One Big, Happy Family

Mother: Priscilla, honey?

Priscilla: Not now!

Mother: Honey.

Priscilla: Mom! I’m just here to pick up the last of my stuff.

Mother: I want to talk to you.

Priscilla: And I don’t have the time. We can talk later.

Mother: When, later? You’ve got two more boxes and then you’ll be gone.

Priscilla: I’ll be back, Mom.

Mother: When?

Priscilla: Later.

Later

Thomas: How was your day, Dear?

Mother: Fine. Priscilla came by.

Thomas: Oh really? Did you two have a talk?

Mother: Yes, Thomas. It’s all worked out.

Thomas: Good.

Mother: Thomas?

Thomas: Yes, Dear?

Mother: She seemed upset.

Thomas: Did she say why?

Mother: No.

Thomas: But she seemed upset?

Mother: It’s probably nothing.

Thomas: Sure, it’s probably nothing, Dear. What’s for dinner?

Later

Mother: Oh, hello, Honey. How are you?.... I’m fine, how’s your new room?....That’s nice….. Thomas? He’s fine….. You’d like to talk to him?.... Are you sure?.... Ok, Honey, hold on….It’s Priscilla.

Thomas: Hello?.... I’m fine….. What? I can’t understand you….. You’re what?.... Please don’t cry. I can’t understand you when you cry….. You’re where?.... Now?.... I really can’t. Your mother’s here….. What are we doing? Now, you mean?.... We were watching tv, your mother was going to put in a movie….. Her favorite, of course: Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner….. Yes, I’ve seen it a million times. Your mother likes to watch it when she’s….. What?.... Not now….. I can’t….. Right now?.... All right….. Ok, in an hour. That was Priscilla.

Mother: Oh, how is she?

Thomas: Fine. She wants me to meet her in an hour.

Mother: An hour? What about the movie?

Thomas: I’ll have to take a rain check. She wants to see me in an hour.

Mother: Are you sure that’s such a good idea?

Thomas: No, but she asked.

Mother: Well, ok then. But don’t be long. It’s Saturday night you know.

Thomas: I know. How could I forget? I’ll be back soon as I can.

Mother: Love you.

Thomas: Love you.

Later

Priscilla: She’s my mother!

Thomas: She’s my wife!

Priscilla: Not yet, she’s not. The wedding isn’t even for a week.

Thomas: It’s close enough.

Priscilla: What are you doing with her, Thomas?

Thomas: Marrying her.

Priscilla: What about me?

Thomas: You’re too old to adopt.

Priscilla: That’s not what I mean, Thomas. Why aren’t you marrying me?

Thomas: I’m marrying your mother, that’s why.

Priscilla: But why?

Thomas: Ours is not to question why…

Priscilla: Ours is but to do or die. And if I can’t have you…

Thomas: Put away that gun!

Priscilla: You were My boyfriend!

Thomas: It didn’t work out.

Priscilla: You fucked my mother! You think maybe that’s why it didn’t work out?

Thomas: Your mother’s a very seductive woman.

Priscilla: She’s almost 50!

Thomas: Is the safety on on that thing?

Priscilla: What’s the safety?

Thomas: Give me the gun, Priscilla.

Priscilla: You were mine!

Thomas: Please give me the gun

Priscilla: I invited you over to dinner and ten seconds after dessert you’re fucking my mother over a sink full of dirty dinner dishes!

Thomas: It was the best meal I ever had! Please give me the gun.

Priscilla: That is not an appropriate way to show your appreciation for a delightful meal!

Thomas: Please, Priscilla, for God’s sake…

Priscilla: Don’t invoke God! Leave my mother.

Thomas: What? I can’t leave your mother. We’re getting married in a week.

Priscilla: Leave her! Come away with me or just go away. I won’t shoot you if you leave her.

Thomas: No. I won’t leave her. Even if you asked nicely – which you are not…

Priscilla: Ours is but to do or die.

Thomas: No! Wait. Wait! Please don’t shoot me.

Priscilla: Leave her!

Thomas: I can’t … I can’t. I don’t want to die.

Priscilla: It’s one or the other, Thomas.

Thomas: I … ok. I’ll leave her. But I can’t do it now.

Priscilla: Now. You have to leave her now.

Thomas: She’s going to have our baby. I can’t leave her before she has our baby.

Priscilla: Your … baby? My mother is having your baby? What about me?

Thomas: What? I don’t understand.

Priscilla: What about me?!

Thomas: What about you?

Priscilla: You fucking bastard!

[gunshot]

At the Same Time

Mother: Oh, you’re going to be such a beautiful baby. You’ll have your father’s eyes and my skin. And with any luck you won’t get any little bit of your sister’s temper. No you won’t. She’ll learn to love you. I just know she will. You, me, your daddy and your big sis Priscilla. All one, big, happy family.